Anger Management Techniques: Don’t Let Anger Be The Boss Of You
We all know what it’s like to say or do things in the heat of the moment when we’re angry. We feel so justified, so right, and so indignant that there’s no way that we could be doing anything wrong! And yet, after the wave of anger has passed, we’re left with guilt, regret, embarrassment, confusion, and facing the harm we might have caused to our relationships.
Anger is a normal part of the human experience, and it can be hard to be the people we want to be when it shows up. The following tips won’t stop you from feeling anger, but they might help reduce its intensity and help you act in ways to reduce unwanted consequences.
While this is not an exhaustive list of ways to cope with anger, they can give you a chance to be the boss of how you act the next time anger shows up. Try some of these the next time you feel your frustration, irritability, and/or anger rising:
Freeze! - Stop. Don’t move. Don’t speak. Freezing let’s us take back control and prevent ourselves from acting on anger. One way to do this is to take a deep, sloooooooow breath or three. Just like we can’t change go from drive to reverse without stopping, we can’t expect ourselves to go from acting on anger to being effective without at least a brief pause. Even though it will feel weird to stop talking and to freeze, in the grand scheme of things, taking the 5-10 seconds to freeze is a much shorter amount of time than it’ll take to repair the consequences from acting on our anger.
Name the anger - You don’t have to overcomplicate the naming process. You can say to yourself something as simple as “I’m feeling angry.” As simple and silly as this sounds, research shows that naming things, like thoughts and emotions, reduces their intensity. Also, we can’t change our anger if we don’t recognize we’re feeling it.
Remind yourself of your long-term goals in the situation - After recognizing you’re angry or acting out of anger, remind yourself what is your goal for the situation and/or important in the long-run. When we’re angry, we often forget what we wanted to accomplish in the first place. Is it more important to show/act on your anger or maintain this relationship? Ex: Did we actually engage in this conversation to yell at our friend and tell them how bad of a person they are? OR did we start this conversation because we felt hurt that they had late canceled plans multiple times?
Ask for a break/take a break from the situation - If you feel comfortable with the other person, you can ask for a break to help you gather your thoughts so that you don’t say or do things you don’t mean to. If you’re by yourself, it’s ok to physically or mentally make space between you and the problem. Whether this is going to another room or taking a walk or focusing your attention on something else to reduce your anger.
If you’re interested in learning more ways to reduce and control your anger by using cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy skills, complete this form to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation with a clinical psychologist with expertise in these skills, like Dr. Andrea Murray and Dr. Christopher Hawkey.